I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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