I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
