I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
