Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Im part way to drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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