You just made me feel so damn special
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm too high and old for this...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
