Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
