I accidentally burped into my bong.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
