im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
