Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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