It's like God shit irony all over that family
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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