Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
