Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
