my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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