You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
