just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
