I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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