I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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