Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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