God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
