I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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