The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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