Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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