I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
