she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
