I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
