the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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