Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
