I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
