I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
