I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize