We're facebook friends in real life
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
