I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
