WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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