how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
