Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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