Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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