you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
