so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
