Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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