i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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