I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
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i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
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I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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