is your mom at the bar?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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