If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
