I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
