Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
