i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
