My liver just broke up with me...
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
