DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
