The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
