Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
