How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
