I love black thongs
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
PANTIES FOUND
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
