i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
