onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
