Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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