Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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