did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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