so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
