It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
