btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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