I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
