Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
