i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
