I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
